My weightloss

Thursday, October 20, 2011

hunger pains.. loving it!

today was good.
fasted until dinner and ate total of 31 cal.. just wasn't hungry, played alot with my food and then got away with just taking 3 tiny bites.
and then my dad force fed me a teaspoon of icecream.


he's always worrying about my eating habits, he's the first person to suspect somethings up.
somehow i like that he notices.
 like when i lost around 45 lbs in under a month, nobody noticed. not really. from the attention i got, people probably thought i lost 10 lbs max.. 
i think that's the reason why i don't see any difference. when i look at the mirror i still see a 176 lbs girl.


ah, anyways.. i set a daily limit of 200 cal in MyFitnessPal.. after today i have 266 cal in the bank.
thinking about grabbing a little snack, since my plan tomorrow is a fast :)


ciao x

oh baby you got me going so insane, and i just don't know whats going on.

last few days have been really busy, but still not busy. 
school everyday(when i bother to go), then meetings and work every single day.

i spend most of my time discovering new music, mostly rediscovering, and reading.
i forgot how much i loved it, music and reading. 
i feel like i lost myself and now i'm finding myself again.

i fasted 36 hours and then ate some kiwi, strawberries and dry noodles(wierd huh? but it has been one of my favorite snacks since i was little and too impatient to cook them).

stepped on the scale this morning and i've lost 6.6 lbs.. good i guess, but i'm not really feeling any thrill, probably cause this is a number i've seen way too many times, but always loose grip of it.

tonight is some family dinner, so i've got to eat something then, but i'll be late so i probably get away with eating just a tiny portion, fasting until then.

on saturday is my moms birthday, i'm guilty for feeling pleased about working nearly all day. i get off at work around 4 and she goes to some party around six, so only 2 hours to worry about.
i'm suckers for birthdays, always feel like i have to eat to make the kid and parents happy. twisted, but don't know how to explain it.

i'll blog soon x

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

aaaargh

after following doctors orders and eating healthy i stepped on the scale and reached the highest weight i've been in months! i'm furious!


so now i'm on a fierce liquid diet.. green tea, coffee, water and vitamins. nothing else.


can't just sit here feeling sorry for myself.
no matter how weak and miserable i feel, i won't stop.


x

Thursday, October 13, 2011

4 and a half pound with no effort..

i'm so confused.. i was doing that candy "diet" but then i realized midterms were coming up, and i was so miserable and always sleeping and had no time to study. and after going to the doctors after having stomach pains for weeks he gave me some pills and said that i should try for a few weeks not to skip meals.
yeah right! me not skipping meals.. that's impossible. 
but i decided to do it. always eat breakfast and lunch. i haven't really eaten breakfast since i was 9, which was the year my ED developed.
I also put me some guidelines:

  • no skipping meals, even though "you're not hungry", just get an apple, cry baby.
  • try to eat as healthy as you can.
  • don't deny yourself food, if you want something, get just a little bit of it
  • no coffee, now it's green tea time
  • no counting calories
its completely different than i'm used to, but i haven't binged on fatty foods and i'm always full.

in just 2 days i've lost 4.6 lbs.. from 147.9 to 143.3.

i'm too confused.

my newest obsession, arms;





and two inspiring before and after pics:

this one is just amazing.. 

ciao

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Mission candy: day 2 + lots of thinspo pics!

heey sweeties, so sorry i haven't been really active lately, just been too busy and always putting things off.


anyways, doing a new thing right now, not gonna call it a diet.. its kind of unusual.. but my best friend lost 25 lbs in about 3 weeks doing this.


well, it involves candy.. just candy. all i can eat is candy, candy, candy! and drink soda. already getting sick of it.
don't know my weight, been really scared to step on the scale.. though i'm guessing i'm around 147.. 


keeping my mind occupied by watching hollyoaks, actually hannah's story.


but on another note, oh god, i'm so falling in love with my boyfriend.. we only get to meet each other every other weekend, but when we do it's wonderful, just fantastically cute and comfortable and heartwarming. i live for these weekends. 
just have to put up with my job 'till new years, and then i can finally move, and be with him.


getting sick of this town.. been losing friends because of my ex best friend. [shortstory; she's a bitch who cheated on her boyfriend who lives for her, and just because i knew she stopped talking to me, and now she's coming up with stories about me and i guess people are buying them]
there's nothing for me here, only have to finish school and save up money to have a sweet life, far away from here.


but anywhos, plenty of thinspo to make up for not blogging lately.
black&white theme ftw! enjoy x












Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Nothing really bothers her, she just wants to love herself.

I'm a huge nirvana fan. I swore that i was gonna get this tattooed when i turned eighteen, hasn't happened yet. maybe its a little too emo.


Been sleeping too much, and still tired.. should be in school in 10 minutes but not ready, so gonna skip first period.. been doing that maybe a little too much lately.


I'm in the school newspaper, but our school is so small that it our newspaper only comes out twice a year, but instead we are now writing an article everyweek that is in one of the major newspapers here. it's driving me crazy. had such a brainfart yesterday and didn't know what i was writing, maybe i came of little sarcastic. i'll probably be in trouble. 


my dog is grinning at me, he's still such a puppy, though he's six. crazy dog thinks he's a cat.


after a sleepless night yesterday i had egg whites for breakfast, 17 cal. after school i slept all day long, only to wake up with a pain in my stomach, and after trying to go to sleep again, i gave up and had a little of mom's dinner, some healthy something.. not sure what it was.


but still after that i got on the scale this morning and saw i was down 2 lbs :) i'm 143.5 now.. i really really wanna be in the 130s.. 


been fighting with my boyfriend. saw a picture of him and his ex and went loco.. i'm a really jealous person. 
we've been together for nearly eight months and we're still not facebook official. one of the reason is that he's 9 years older, 27 yrs old. and i haven't met any of his family. except for his cousins.. thats because i grew up with them. awkward.


i hate small towns.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Crazy weather, y u no stop?!

Where i live, weather changes every 5 minutes, and today we've been so lucky to have heavy rain and a wind that blew away a part of our roof. 

the weather is not having a good impact on my mood, all day i just wanted to lay in bed in a fetal position and read. but of course i had to work.

just been drinking coffee, maybe too much, probably gonna be up all night. 
also found out i like nuts! then i mean nuts nuts, not manly nuts.. though that too.
been nibbling on them all day, the nuts nuts i mean.. and only about 10g gone from the bag and i'm so full! 

maybe i'll exercise a little.. this weather is killing my mood.
nah, my plan tonight is to cuddle under my blanket with a good book :)

toodle-oo! x

i would kill for this.. literally.
yeah yeah yeah! almost forgot! been noticing new followers and wanna catch up with everybody, so if i'm not following you leave a comment and i'll check it out ! :)

I'm the dude.

it's 3:58 a.m and i can't sleep so i turned on the tv, and once in my whole life there was something good on, the big lebowski ♥


oh and yeah, i dont think this plan is gonna work for me, working on a new one at the moment.


my day? well, sleeping way too much, then stupid work, calling my boyfriend and then binging on candy and chips.. and drinking my weight in pepsi... feel so sick.


that's the reason i can't sleep.


also been smoking way too much, don't feel well. it's like i'm binging on cigarettes.


ah well, my plan, starting tomorrow:


Day 1-100 cal
Day 2-50 cal
Day 3-0 cal
Day 4- 100 cal
Day 5-0 cal
Over the weekend – 5 bite diet


I will try my best next weekend, but i finally get to see my boyfriend, and we have a date at a sushi place, and we always eat fattening food. so i think the 5 bite diet would work the best. 


over and out x
too beautiful.. 
been depressed lately because i was interviewed for a promo video for my school.. and all i could see was fat cheeks and bloated face..
just want my cheekbones to show.

*UPDATE* 
forgot to mention exercise like crazy.. just whenever i can.
would love to know some of your favs?

Friday, September 16, 2011

yeah.. i gave in.

with that i mean i bought cigarettes.
just was so pissed off, and didn't want to eat, so i gave in.


ah, so now i let myself smoke instead of allowing myself to eat.
which is going pretty well, only tea, water and coffee today :)


and stepped on the scale yesterday, nearly 148 lbs. eww.
but weighed myself in the evening after eating a lot of sick food. so i'm not sure what my actual weight is, probably around 145.


i hate how i'm quick up.. but i'm also loose weight pretty fast.
that should be some kind of an inspiration. but it just makes me think "huh, this is easy, i could do this anytime. i'll just start tomorrow."


now i just have to finish my homework and do some exercise, just been way too lazy today.


sayonara x

Funny how things you own, start owning you.

Right now my mind and body are fighting.. if i should start smoking again.
the thing is i've smoked for 4 years now, and while fasting cigarettes were a lifesaver. i'm just not sure if i can do it without them.
but have to save money.. and i always smoke way too much, i'd go through a pack in a day or two.
and on the other hand, i was able to stop, and i'm not sure if i could do that again, soon i mean.


agh, anyways. my plan yesterday didn't work, well, i got sick, some stomach flu and yeah.
so i started today.
that's the reason for my cigarette rambling.


ta-ta x

Thursday, September 15, 2011

long time no see..




god, been so busy since school started.. haven't had any freetime.
my days are just school, then straight to work and work all evening, then home and study and sleep. 
and also a lot of meetings cus last spring i thought it would be good for me to take more part in the social life of the school , which i regret sincerely..
also just been eating whatever.. and weighed myself yesterday and i'm up to 145.5 lbs.. *facepalm* .. but that could also be because i stopped smoking.. though i've been stealing a cig from my mom once in a while (ssssh!)


agh.. so tomorrow i'm gonna fast.. only tea, coffee and water, for as long as i can. just to kick things off :)


i dont know if you're gonna hear from me often, but i'll try to post as often as i can :)


ciao x


btw, i have i weird thing for shoulders at the moment, actually after watching a rerun of cougar town last night(how in the name of cheesus crust does courtney stay so hot?!).. mine are so fat and blugh, i just want feminine and pointy ones. 

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I'm back!

so.. the festival was great! a lot of binge drinking and sadly only eating junk food :o
but my mom came from denmark on sunday, so just today i could start my diet again, after finishing all the candy and cheeses :')
but on friday i weighed 140.6 lbs and this morning i weighed 145 :s but thats still a lot less then i thought it would be, so i haven't been eating today, and hopefully not tomorrow either, but on the third day i will probably eat something cus i noticed that i loose much more and keep it off by not eating for 2 days, and then letting myself eat a little , it also helps me with my cravings to think about that i can eat on the third day without feeling guilty :)


and yeah, i was talking to my friend, who as always been the skinniest one in the group, and always been under 117 lbs and always made me jealous and i've always wanted to be thinner than her.. but i just found out that she has been gaining alot of weight, this morning she was 135 lbs.. i feel kinda guilty that this makes me super happy :$ i just like thinking about how skinny she looks and still she's only 10 lbs lighter than me :$
awww.. anyways.. going on a guilt trip by thinking like that, shes my best friend :(


sooooo.. decided to stop smoking... just like an half an hour ago .. just because i have no money :') probably wont last.. i'll end up by asking my mom for some change :') 
gosh i hate nicotine gum, it burns my throat :( 


okay, i've decided.. gonna go ask mum for money 


enough of my rumbling..
i'll see you tomorrow sweethearts 


btw, am i the only one that things pt isn't as good as it used to be? i don't even like visiting it lately :/

Thursday, August 11, 2011

So ashamed..

been eating.. not much, but still unhealthy..
haven't stepped on the scale yet.. afraid it will be around 147 lbs.. lost everything then.


i've been really depressed lately.. not only being lonely, but also because of my boyfriend, well or ex boyfriend, we'll find out this weekend.
so i guess i'm an emotional eater. hating it. hate trying to replace that lonely feeling with food.
just so insecure right now.


wanted to keep you posted, though i wasn't sure if i should blog, so very very ashamed.


good luck darlings x

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

i just wanna see myself skinny.

01:27 am over here, so the day is over.
weighed myself this morning, didn't sleep at all last night so i stepped on the scale 6 am and it read 146.8 lbs.
after a whole day of fasting and really no exercise i've gone down to 142.6, 4.2 lbs ! 
i lose weight pretty quickly, as you can see but i also put on weight really quickly. though most of this is water weight, it still counts.
eh, not in a blogging mood, just wanted to share :)

good luck to you all x

Monday, August 8, 2011

first day home alone, and oh so lonely..

12:26 am..
today was not a good day..
although i'm proud it wasn't as bad as it could have been.
didn't weigh myself cus i ate a little before sleep so i wouldn't binge, and didn't want to look at the scale and maybe think everything is ruined.
so i woke up with my 4 year old cousin screaming in my ear about how he missed me, so i got up and saw my whole family was here.. had a nice get to gather before i wen't to work but i ate 2 slices of whole wheat bread with butter and cheese :( also a little chocolate thingy which i am not sure what was, and i really don't think i wanna know. but that still wasn't as bad as it could have been as my family was trying to shower me with food and goodies since they were leaving me again so soon.
got to work and well, i work at a groceries shop/gas station/fast food sort of thingy, and the stuff i get free, wow, unhealthy heaven.. ice cream, doughnuts, hamburgers, sandwiches and french fries.. as much i can eat. 
so, i started craving icecream.. and i gave in. but it was so bad, after one teaspoon i had to run to the toilet to get it all out, i was the only one who found that sour taste.. ick.
and then for dinner i had a sandwich :( like the most fattening one available, 2 slices of ham with 2 slices of cheese on each one of them. so all in all, 2 slices ham, 4 slices cheese and french fries.. argh!
as you can see, i'm horribly addicted to cheese.


but i'm really happy this didn't turn into a binge day.. 
when i have those days i stuff my self, not once.. but all freaking day.
not sure if i should weigh myself in the morning.. maybe as a punishment?
one thing is for sure.. tomorrow i'm gonna fast.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

looking forward to tomorrow !

just stepped of the scale.. have in mind its 12.08 am here.. and it said 143.3 lbs :) 0.7 lbs down since this morning.
didn't do any exercise like i said this morning, right after blogging i crashed.
i have a bad feeling about tomorrows weigh in, but still looking forward to it..
didn't eat anything today, just coffee and a fat burner(only one because i'm running out and broke)..
worked all day, on my feet.. always running around, should count for something, right?


143.3 lbs is my nemesis.. i always get stuck around there.. but not this time.
mom and dad leaving tomorrow so nobody is here to force me to eat the next few days :)


but i'm still really paranoid over 130 lbs.. only 13 lbs to go, but.. i don't really know how to put this..
everytime i come close, or reach 130 lbs, i lose it.. my mind says over and over again "you've come this far, one bite won't hurt" or "this is the best you will ever do, just accept being the fat one".. 
but even so, i'm not ready to give up.. i'm not happy yet.


i should do a P90X before sleep, and some crunches.. maybe some sit ups.. 
god knows i need it.
x

Saturday, August 6, 2011

oh giddy giddy! + thinspo pics

just stepped off the scale: 144 lbs, bwah, 2 and a half pounds since yesterday ^^,
my next goal weight is 136.6 lbs or 62 kg..
fatsecret.com calculated that at that rate i will be there in 3 days ! :D
aaaah, i'm so excited ! its 7:20 am over here and haven't slept at all, but now i'm just really energetic and i'm gonna do a P90X exercise and then go swimming before i take a little nap before my first day back at work ! :)

here some thinspo pics cause i'm in such a great mood (:







love love love how her legs look good in the tights !




legs to die for

want her hat, hair and jacket !



want that stomach!

my favorite :)

Friday, August 5, 2011

come on pansy! i'm thirsty.

I just realized i'm looking forward to the winter. Of course i will miss the summer, but this summer has sucked some serious baby seal balls.
I miss clothes that cover my body, so people just wonder if i'm fat or just wearing many layers.
I miss seeing my friends, and chilling at school.
I miss learning. but i will stop missing it the first day of school.
I miss having something to do everyday.


I also miss being so busy that i forget to eat.


Starting my new job tomorrow.. its also my old job. i hate that job.
But i'm shit broke so gotta settle for something. God, i wish they had prostitution in my town.


I also need to read more, i have tons of books that i haven't finished and everytime i start, something interrupts me. like flies. i hate flies. why can't flies just be flies outside?


rambling, time to stop.
also, i'm really picky on thinspo pics so you better like it bitches!

10 confessions.

Weight: 146.6, but its lower, drank alot of water and did the weigh in the middle of the day (y)
Mood: like everything is gonna work out :)
Music: animal - Miike Snow


saw this on pretty thin, 10 confessions, but this one is only diet related.


1. I eat alot when i'm bored.
2. I think i have hypothyroidism but i'm afraid to tell anyone if they put me on medication and i'll gain weight.
3. I sometimes eat after midnight, but when i do i never tell anyone, not even blog about it. (by telling you this i hope that will change)
4. My best motivation to lose weight is to make people jealous..
5. I wish i had self control.
6. I give up way too easily.
7. My mom seems to buy my favorite foods only when i'm restricting. hence rule #6.
8. Every item of my clothing is too small.
9. It took me a long time to realize I had ED, i always thought i was a wannabe ana.
10. I've never been able to wear a bikini.


Now it's your turn.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

break up diet?

Weight: trying to weigh myself every two days so new stats tomorrow
Mood: creative
Music: you dont love me-the kooks


just ate some chicken, otherwise nothing today :) 
see, i'm not much of an exercise person, i hate jogging, running, weights and whatever.. thats how i imagine hell to be like.. but everytime i start to move the pounds come flying off, but i also have asthma attacks when i start running, i dont have asthma, but when i workout i do.. 


i just wish i didn't live in such a small town, then i could do some yoga or some shit.. the only thing we have here is a crappy gym and a bullshit pool that costs way too much to go swimming.. and i'm broke. i haven't gone swimming for 2 years, believe it or not.


i also broke up with my boyfriend last friday. i think i just did it so he would appreciate me more, such a stupid idea. and yeah, i know that i shouldn't diet for him, stop whining.. i just dream of seeing his face when he sees how thin i am. and then he pulls me close to me and we have a romantic kiss in the middle of the street. yeah, i'm a daydreamer.
 when we just started dating i was around 136 lbs and when we broke up i was 152.. 16 freaking pounds, thats just unnatural. didn't really notice it until last week. his scale takes off 11 lbs, so when i lived with him i noticed nothing, and all we ate was something fatty cause it was cheaper, blurgh.


you know that creepy scene in romantic movies were the girl finds his t-shirt and starts smelling it and holding it close up to her.. yeah, that really sad girl was me last night. 


i miss him.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

a pic of me?

Weight: i was 145 lbs this morning.. which is kinda good since i was 153 last tuesday. 
Mood: numb
Music: the cave-mumford and sons


I really hate my body.. every single ounce of fat goes to my lower stomach, its like my body knows i'm trying my best to lose that part, so it puts everything i eat or drink right there.. my body hates me.


i was thinking about posting a picture of me, but only if i can get brutal honesty, thats what motivates me the most.. think you can be brutally honest?


haven't eaten anything today.. just alot of coffee.. and cleaned the whole house and read, which is so not me.. i think i'm terminally ill.


so, i threw a party last weekend, and this really annoying creepy boy crashed it and i switched on my bitch mode and well, you really don't wanna piss me off.. so he left after a lot of bitching and after he found out that nobody there was happy with boys hitting girls, so he decided to get back at me by puking all over the place, faceplanting into my window and breaking my fence (y) 


bwah, i'm just too tired to blog, but felt like i had to since i decided to delete all the old posts.